I swear I’m dying

I have been down with allergies for a while now. Every time I think I start getting better, I’m knocked right back down. I’ve had this horrible cough for like two weeks now. I also have dry itchy eyes, but I hear there’s a Visine for that.

My BFF, Brenna, has been staying the weekends with me and we’ve been having so much fun. This weekend we went to Frank Restaurant at 4th and Colorado. OMG it was so delicious! They make everything with BACON.

B and I had Bloody Marys with Bacon infused Vodka. They also had a wooden bbq skewer in them with a HUGE chunk of thick bacon, a piece of cheddar cheese, and olive, and a pepper. The bacon inside it was DELICIOUS.

For my meal, I had a homemade pork, bacon and sage sausage on a bun, topped with macaroni and cheese. OMG, soooooo good! Then for dessert we shared a piece of chocolate covered bacon and a bacon chocolate chip cookie. We were in heaven! I seriously did not want to ever eat anywhere else again.

From 2010-06-19

From 2010-06-19

From 2010-06-19

While we were eating I was telling Brenna that I’ve really been wanting some brass knuckles. I was telling her how convenient it would be to have some. You could tap them against your glass when you want the waiter to bring you more water. You could tap them on the table when you need your waiter’s attention. The possibilities are endless!

Later we were stuck in traffic and the person in front of us was just sitting in the lane, doing nothing. I told B that it would be the perfect opportunity to use the knuckles. I could walk over to the window and tap the knuckles on the window to intimidate them into moving.

So we decided our mission for the day should be to find me some brass knuckles. It was not going to be an easy mission, as they are not legal to sell. They have to be sold as a belt buckle or paper weight, and even then, most people won’t sell them.

We went to a gun shop on Lamar first. I was shocked at how many people were shopping in the gun store with young children, even infants. Now, I realize some people think it’s perfectly normal to raise kids around guns and to hunt. I am not one of those people. I don’t believe children should play with guns or be exposed to them, especially young kids! So I found it a little traumatizing to see kids in a gun store, kind of like seeing kids in a liquor store, or a strip joint.

Anyway, the gun store was a bust, so we went to the Flea Market on 290. We found a vendor at the front that looked like he would sell them. He had knives and throwing stars. So I asked for the knuckles. He immediately said that they didn’t have any, but the guy working with him said, “Yeah we do. In the back.” “No, we sold those yesterday. We’re all out.” The guy working with him looked real confused.

It was obvious to B and I that they just didn’t want to sell them to us. Maybe we look like cops? They told us to try another vendor at the back of the Flea Market, so off we went.

On the way, we passed by a vendor selling belt buckles and he had a buckle with a holster and a gun in it. OMG. I had to have it. I asked to see it and he told me that it’s a shocker gun. It shocks people! Now, I really had to have it. I purchase it and we headed off for the knuckles.

We got to the other vendor and I had B ask this time. There were two guys working at the booth. They looked at each other, looked us up and down, then back at each other and then said, “No. We don’t have any of those.” WHAT?!?!? We tried to make conversation with them and show them we were cool, but they weren’t having it. They told us to try the guys at the front of the market. We told them that those guys sent us to them, and that still didn’t help.

We started pooling our resources of ghetto friends. I sent out a tweet, I posted on Facebook and Brenna started making calls. We got a lead to check the Military Surplus store on Airport Blvd, but that didn’t work either. Then our golden lead came in! We were told to check the Flea Mark on North Lamar.

We pulled a u-turn on the highway and sped on up there! We wandered around the market for a while before we spotted the vendor. He had NO SHAME about selling them. He had them all out on display! I found an awesome black set of knuckles and purchased them. Supposedly the knuckles are meant to be a belt buckle. Wink wink.

The night’s outfit was coming together smoothly. The next stop was to buy some black and white Converse sneakers and I would be done! I already had some cool hipster glasses to wear, so the outfit went together perfectly.

From 2010-06-19

We got dressed and headed off to Shannon’s birthday dinner at Serranos. Shannon was the first victim for my gun shocking, but the darn thing didn’t work. I must have used the only juice it had left when I shocked myself before I bought it, which was totally an accident. I didn’t realize that it was self-shocking. I thought you could shoot a shock at someone. I know, I’m dumb!

Anyway, so after dinner we rush off to Target to buy new batteries for the gun and that was a hilarious endeavor in its own. First we had to find one of those eyeglass repair kits with tiny screwdrivers in it so I could take apart the gun. It was not made to be taken apart easily. We must have looked real suspicious taking apart a gun in the eyeglass aisle at Target because Mr. Security Gaurd came around snooping on us.

We took our business to the electronics counter to buy some batteries and then change out the dead ones. OMG. I would put the new batteries in and start putting the gun back together and it would shock the hell out of me. I would jump and scream, the gun would fall apart again, and B would be dying laughing. This cycle happened FIVE times before I finally got it put back together. I thought I was going to die. Those shocks HURT. That gun does not play around.

We met up with Benjamin and Emily at the Carousel Lounge way up north and hung out for a bit. I got to shock both Emily and Benjamin and it was super fun. I told Emily it was a lighter, so when it shocked her, she threw it because she thought it was malfunctioning and catching her hand on fire. GOOD TIMES!

We hung out at Charlie’s and OCH for a while, but the gays are too smart and I couldn’t get any of them to fall for my gun shocking trick. That totally ruined all of our fun. I mean, we still had fun, but not nearly as much as we could have had if people had been stupid enough to get shocked.

I did enjoy wearing the knuckles all night. I was tapping them on everything and trying to intimidate everyone. I was pretty sure I was going to get my butt kicked, but managed to end the night without a fight or going to jail! Yays for me!

This weekend B is coming back and we have a Bears versus Gaysians themed birthday party to attend. We have decided that we do not want to dress up as either of those, so we’re going to go as hipsters. We want to look cute because we’re not sure how long we’re going to stay at the party and we may have other engagements where it would be nice to look pretty.